Outside Looking In
There is a phenomenon in human nature where we look at how another person is handling their life, and make judgements and assumptions about what they should or could be doing instead. We assume someone is stuck, or lazy, and have thoughts like “If I were in their shoes, I would be doing…”
Well, the trouble is, you are NOT in their shoes. And your judgment, however well-intentioned, is just that. It is judgment. It is not helpful.
I’ve done more than my fair share of research on the effects of emotional abuse, which transparently, is something I experienced for many years. This abuse is insidious, and seeps into the cracks of your brain and alters your responses to people and situations. You learn coping mechanisms to avoid the negative consequences you face for thinking, feeling, or making your own decisions.
Coming out of that type of “people pleasing at all costs” mentality is very difficult. It is easy to slide back into that mindset. Part of my mindset work the past few years has involved trying to care less about the opinions of others. Not needing approval before making a decision. Not needing others to validate me.
Unfortunately, I slipped from seeking the approval of one person, to seeking the approval of my friend group. And when my friends were happy with my decisions and I didn’t get pushback, all was right in the world. But the past two months I’ve prioritized other goals. Sleeping more. Listening to my body when it is overwhelmed with stress. Getting my movement in, but sometimes that movement looks more like yoga or Pilates and less like running. I’m walking when I’m tired. I show up to group fitness but I modify when I feel it is necessary.
Guess what? That is my decision, and my decision alone. No one gets to look at me in judgment because I don’t consent to that. When I am ready to physically push harder, I will. Again, that is my decision.
If you disagree with my decision, that is fine. I’m really trying not to be hurt by the judgment. That will take some time. I’m working through that emotion so I don’t stay stuck there, but after all the belittling and berating and second-guessing and judgment I lived through for the past two decades, I’m finding this one of the more difficult things to work through.
Moving forward means doing what is best for me and not caring that other people disagree. My problem is, I still care about the opinions of those I care about. If there is a class on “how to stop caring so much” I probably need to take it!
