It’s okay not to be okay

Smack dab in the middle of week 1 of school, I hit a brick wall. I wanted to call my dad to tell him about everything. I’d even take a chat with everything repeated a million times, or one where he double checked that there wasn’t a bear in my Texas backyard (dementia is a hell of a disease). But he is no longer with us…and it hit me. Again. He won’t see my girls graduate high school and college next May. He won’t see me finish my MBA. There are so many things he will miss.

But also, I know that two things can be true at the same time. He didn’t deserve to suffer the way he did the last few months. I can selfishly want him back, and know that isn’t the best thing for him.

I’ve learned over the past year and a half that grief is a funny process. Not ‘ha ha’ funny, but Alanis Morissette “Ironic” funny. When you expect linear, you get a jumbled mess of squiggly lines. When you expect logic, you get slammed with emotion. When you would love to express some emotion and process some of the pain, you feel numb and you can’t get away from that numbness.

So this week, when I needed the numbness…of course I get the emotion. Tears on my keyboard as I read discussion posts. Heaviness as I pick up the book assigned to the class. Random moments of emotion at work.

Dreading small talk because I never want to discuss the weather again.

I’m working through it. I’ll eventually get to a place where his memory will bring joy instead of pain. But right now, I’m still not okay.

And that is okay.