Beyond the Engine Work: Facing the Shadow of Self-Loathing
Last night, I decided to write down my thoughts. I just opened a note on my phone and wrote down everything that popped into my head. I didn’t think about it. Every few minutes, I’d set the phone down and get my brain busy doing something else…but when a thought would pop into my head, I’d go right back to the note (or is it ‘write’ back to the note? 🤪).
This morning, instead of opening social media or my email or text messages, I opened that note and read everything I had written. Now, you would think I would have remembered everything in that note. You would be wrong. While I *thought* I remembered the gist of everything I wrote…the loathing I read back to myself this morning was overwhelming. The undertones of deep hatred and severe disappointment and complete unworthiness slapped me straight in the face.
The worst part is, I wouldn’t say any of that stuff to my worst enemy. I am completely empathetic to other people and give them a lot of grace. From what I read in that note, I give myself zero grace. It’s a huge problem.
My life in the past few years feels like I’m a car that got stuck in the mud. The driver presses down the gas pedal in the hopes of some forward momentum; meanwhile, there is no momentum. Only spinning wheels and flinging mud. That gas pedal is all the external things I’m doing in the name of self-improvement: school, the gym, nutrition, therapy, life coaching, reading, hobbies. But those things will never move me forward while my tires are mired in the mud of my toxic thoughts.
For a while, I’ve known how toxic my thoughts were. It is why I have written about affirmations and mental health. I guess I thought the awareness would help fix the problem, but so far, the awareness comes and goes. If I am actively trying to capture what I’m thinking about, I can redirect some of those thoughts. But after reading my note to myself, I realize some of those thoughts run far deeper than the ones I notice in the shallow end of my brain.
How do we grasp those thoughts sinking in the deep end of that ocean? How do you go from not even liking who you are as a person…to becoming a mentally healthy and well-adjusted person? What are the steps from Point A to Point B?? Is it a bunch of brain dumps and thought redirections until you’ve caught them all like they are Pokémon? More therapy? Breathing exercises? Tapping? Prayer? Meditation? All of the above?
If I knew the answer, I’d shout it from the rooftops. In the meantime, I’m going to keep doing the work (and trying all of the different things) in the hope that something helps. Living in this mental prison is overwhelming and sad, but it is a prison of my own construction and I’m the only one that can tear it down.
