That First Breath: Surfacing into Possibility

A couple of weeks ago, I went to an orientation for the MBA program I’m embarking on this fall. Of course, like anyone who has been out of the school system for what feels like a lifetime, I was a bundle of nerves. If I’m being completely honest, the orientation itself did nothing to dispel my nerves about what I will face once the program starts.

This orientation gave me something much greater.

You see, the past two years have been two of the most challenging years of my life thus far. They have caused me to question my relationships, my decisions, and even myself. I’ve stayed floating in an underwater cavern where I don’t know up from down, rapidly losing oxygen and beginning to think survival isn’t possible. It’s difficult to surface when you can’t see your hand in front of you, much less any light to lead you to safety. You want to trust yourself–that you will know instinctively how to survive–but you are proven wrong enough times that you are about to give up.

Then you see a small light. It is faded and watery, but it gives you a sense of direction. You know where to go to move forward. You rush toward the light, even when your lungs feel like they are about to burst. That first full breath once you surface feels amazing.

Orientation was the light. The people, the energy, the excitement, the collaboration. I remembered parts of my personality long forgotten in the midst of emotional abuse. I got excited about something for myself for the first time in many years. Yes, I led with my insecurities (much to my therapist’s chagrin) but it didn’t dampen the joie de vivre I experienced.

Life. That deep, full, excruciating breath. Survival. Knowing there is a path forward from the pain. A rescue boat with new friends who hand you a flotation device and tell you exactly what you need to hear about the type of person they see.

I will always be grateful both to the program for this opportunity, and the amazing people I met embarking on this journey alongside me. Here’s to a future full of possibility.