The Slow Birth of my Brave

There is someone I have to face. I haven’t seen this person in a year and a half. In May, in what ought to be a joyous and momentous occasion for my children, a part of me will be filled with anxiety and fear regarding seeing this person.

In nine months, I need to be ready. This should be a rebirth of sorts, so it is fitting that there is the same gestation period as pregnancy.

Can our emotional reactions subside? You always hear ‘everything gets better with time’ but is nine months truly enough time to stop being triggered by the past? By a voice, by a look, by someone you thought you knew better than anyone else in the world…but it turns out, you truly didn’t know them at all?

Can I get through these events without breaking down? My normal M.O. is to remain stoic and act like nothing bothers me. Part of therapy is learning how to feel the emotions…so I’m not quite as good at not reacting anymore.

Healing is not only about forgetting. It is about changing our relationship with these triggers, so they don’t hold the same power over you.

Part of this healing is getting to a place in my life where I am truly happier than I was before. To build a life so big it dwarfs them. To accomplish this, I’ve been showing up for myself in bigger and better ways. I’ve been showing up with more purpose, creativity, and enthusiasm. I’m showing up to therapy. Showing up at church. Reaching for those goals I’ve shoved to the side for many years. Even when I show up alone, I show up for myself.

Transparently, I already am happier than I was a year and a half ago. I think once I got over the initial shock of the betrayal, I was able to take a big sigh of relief. No more walking on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Shrinking myself so as not to be threatening to this person isn’t on my agenda anymore.

Now I just have to heal enough to be able to showcase this newfound strength in person.