Walking through the graveyard

Grief comes in many forms. As I have mentioned before, my current state is “dumpster fire.” The ending of an era, the ending of relationships, the ending of life as I knew it before is all weighing on me.

One of my homework assignments in therapy is to walk through the metaphorical graveyard of all I’ve lost in the past year, or will lose due to all the changes occurring. To name every single thing, every idea of what was or could be, every good thing and every bad thing, and truly grieve it.

Feel the disappointment from lost hopes. Dwell in the hurt from the sudden change in life direction. Think about it, feel it, process it…then move on.

I’ve started this process, and let me tell you. It is not for the faint of heart. Looking at your list of lost hopes and dreams is like a sucker punch to the gut. Processing through all of the emotions from the graveyard of dreams takes an amount of emotional energy I don’t always have. Which, in turn, causes me to continue to make decisions that some people may not agree with, and I can add another lost hope to my graveyard; the hope that my friendships could continue as they were.

One day, I will be able to walk through the graveyard and not feel the sting. I’ll be able to look over those tombstones with my beloved hopes and dreams, and feel comfortable knowing they were sacrificed to make room for better hopes and dreams. Safer hopes and dreams. More fulfilling hopes and dreams.

I look forward to that day.